“Dear Dr. Lovett” is a weekly advice column dealing with love, relationships, and sex. Need words of wisdom? Tell us all about it at firstname.lastname@example.org.
DEAR DR. LOVETT-VON STRAUSS: I love my boyfriend, but I find him annoying. He doesn’t shower very much, and always puts video games before me. I also don’t like his personality very much, but I love him. What should I do? –JENNIFER
Your boyfriend does not shower, you do not share his interest in video games, and his personality leaves you wanting. Why do you love him? He must just be good in bed, that is, when he’s not playing Call of Duty.
If you are so inclined to stay with Mr. Perfect, let me give you the advice for which you so desperately ask.
Try to seize your boyfriend’s interest in creative ways, and once you have it, force him to conform to your will. This is a truly beautiful model of a happy, healthy relationship.1
Let’s start with talking about how to get his interest. Your boyfriend is what scientists call a “gamer.” (Don’t let the nomenclature overwhelm you.) After years of intensive research, we scientists have found that the one thing that gamers love more than video games is games combined with women. Try joining him while he plays, but you may need to practice to keep his interest. If you don’t want to practice games, try to dress provocatively when you play. I would suggest a sexy Pikachu costume. After you have a significant share of his attention, start demanding more of it in subtle ways while he plays: lick his neck, nibble his ear, full on French him.
Once he desires to play “games” of a different nature, disengage from the moment and tell him no sexy time until he has scrubbed the fungus from his toes. If you have played your “game” well, he will want to play with you.
Now to perform a more fundamental change in him, you must make him go from seeing you as a sexy Pikachu to worshipping you as a sexy Pokémon Master. You must walk that fine line of weakening his stubborn desire to be independent and completely overwhelming him, lest you lose your chance to control him, just like capturing a wild Pokémon. If you can achieve this balance, then his personality—whatever its current state—will change to be that of an unworthy Pidgey, seeking the dominance of his Trainer.
If you choose to go with the sexy Pikachu costume, send in your pictures and I will share them on my blog as part of my success stories post.
Disclaimer: I cannot guarantee that other viewers will not use your pictures in unintended ways.
Dr. Lovett-Von Strauss
1. The Guide to a Happy, Healthy Relationship, Dr. Henry Iago Lovett-Von Strauss, ASV Press, November 2013
Henry Iago Lovett-Von Strauss is a doctor of love, and love doesn’t need a degree. He lives happily with his family in Cape Cod, MA, where life is perfect.